Now

By Clarity Scifiroots

Content: B/A, bittersweet, Buffy POV

Disclaimers apply as per usual....

October 17, 2001

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I just wanted to see you like this. Once. I'm selfish, I'm sorry.

You are so gorgeous, though. God, there can be no other person or thing more beautiful than you are. Funny, I couldn't stand to have you give up this dark, pensive air about you because then you wouldn't be you. You're lovely... Although cold, your skin feels wonderful. Your stunning black clothes makes your skin stand out. Your eyes... when they're open I can see an on-going road that travels across the decades you've lived.

How long do vampires stay unconcious? I've never left one alone before - it would be my time for attack. But I'm not supposed to attack you. I love you. I hate the others.

I touch your hair, your eyelids, your lips, your neck... So gorgeous. It's so sad, really, your self-recrimination. You try to atone your sins, I can see that, but I wonder if you can if there really is a God and He casts demons out. Although I believe you can be an exception for anything...

I've always meant to ask you how you obtained that silver cross you gave me... How were you able to put it away - wouldn't you have touched it? I want to ask, but I always forget. I guess it's really not that important, I shouldn't bother you.

This moment... right now as I lay facing you, still tracing your features, I love. It is one moment suspended in time, there's a bit of peace, there's a moment of connection. Me to you. I love you. I've told you, haven't I? I just keep wishing for something to make it easier on us. God it hurts. The pain hurts so fucking much... Even more than the fear when I faced the Master; worse than dying; worse than my bitch days... I keep hearing that our love is so "romantic" and dangerous because of who we are. I don't want to hear that anymore. What makes us so different? I don't want to think about that... I love you, nothing else matters. Nothing else /can/ matter.

We're so distant. I can't be near you enough, you can't be near me. I keep reaching for you, keep trying to hold you, but you slip away... walk away. I want something for us, something more than these solitary moments like now. My eyes feel strained, my vision blurry.

I want you. I want to hold you; I want to be needed for something other than Slayer... I need you to hold me. This hurts so badly... I heard once that's the sign that it's real love. It doesn't make things any easier...

You're coming awake. Through my wavering vision I can tell you focus on me, rather confused as you touch the back of my hand, which is still on your cheek. Someone keep us locked here. Let us just live this over and over, I only want to be here, with you, and forget about the horrors lying outside, creeping in here.

"Buffy...?" You're so quiet, I barely hear you.

My eyes close and I feel hot drops of tears run over and trail down my cheeks and nose. After a moment's hesitation your arms enclose me. Just hold me... "Just hold me..."

I love you so much. We hurt each other so much.

(We have this now; tomorrow we may not have it, even the next minute we may not have it, something unexpected and terrible may impose itself between us - but right now we have it and it's good, it's what counts.)

-="The Salt Point" by Paul Russell pg55=-

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