Clarity Scifiroots
Rating: ?? I don't really have a rating system set... use your judgement
Content: dark, SI/cutting, near suicide attempt, Sephiroth's POV, shonen-ai/startings of yaoi
Disclaimers apply
Notes: This is dark. My maso-sadist
side started kicking in today and has taken hold, once again, of my writing.
Also, I was listening to "Crawling" but
August 8, 2001
((typed on wordpad w/o spell check... only reread once for obvious errors))
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"...Why do you cut?"
"...I... because I like it... I... it makes me
feel alive. It escapes the emotions, if only for a moment. And...
I've begun this longing for blood..."
"..."
= yes, this is a real conversation ((this is just a
quote for the beginning of the story))=
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
The blade's sharp, I've prepared it. Will you take it
again? I wondered as I lay the small knife back into the drawer. I see you
creep by so often and enter the kitchen, taking the best knife out... I see the
false expression you wear daily. Why must you wear a mask? That's unfair for
you, you're too young... No, wait... no one's ever too young. You act more
mature than even the men at my level.
You're an equal. I wonder... if I said that, would it
help you?
I'm such a coward. All I can do is clean this knife after
you use it and hope that you'll take the hint to look at me with a question...
but you don't. And I'm too fearful to speak to you.
You... you don't wound yourself too badly... do you?
God, I'm such a weakling! Why... why can't I reach out
and stop you?! Why am I hiding? Weakling, selfish bastard... I'm staying quiet
to try and protect myself. Ha. Yes, I'm as bad as them... What would you think
to know that? I hear I'm your role-model; how can I deserve that position? You
are... so much better than I am.
As everything in my life, I'll only acknowledge my
mistakes when it's too late. Will that mean that I will have to find you one
day - dead with cooling blood pooled beside you? Is that the only time my mind
will kick me in the ass and tell me to go to you? But... too late... that's too
late...
God, what can I do? What can I fucking do? Why do you
take this path? I'm just as affected with depression as you are! But I... I don't cut... why do you have to...? I can't
understand that, not really. Are you masochitic? You
must be, I can't see how you can be a cutter
otherwise. I can't fully comprehend what you get from it - I've read articles
and books about it, from people who've done it, trying to understand...
But I can't. Why...? Why do you do this? Is blood so
tempting? As warriors we are only to be lusting for our enemy's blood! But to wish for blood of your own...? That means you lose!
Do you want to lose? Do you just want to admit de-
...That's it. Isn't it.
Enemy... you are your own enemy... aren't you. Tha- that's why you want your
blood...? To see your enemy die...? But you die with it...
I don't know what to do... how to help... how can I- how
can I stop someone from doing what they wish to...?
Dear Lord help me!
Ha! Help me?! Me?!
It's not me who needs the help and support! You are,
you need it! I can't figure out what to do! God, I just wish I knew what to do!! How...
I'm too weak for you... I don't deserve your high praise
and the pedistol you've set me on. Knock me off,
please. I've already broken, so why do I remain here?
=====
A knock at the door interuppted
my thoughts and I sat up on the bed. "Come in..."
Slowly, hesitantly, the door was pushed in. I was
surprised to see the subject of my thoughts enter the room, head down slightly.
He closed the door and turned the lock. He still refused to look up at me. He
shifted his weight and with the small moment I caught a glimpse of the blade.
I swallowed, face paling.
"I need you to do one thing..." How had his
voice become so hoarse? So vulnerable?
He glanced up, his face looking desperate and fearful,
yet somehow there was an overbearing appearence of
calm. I felt sick with that look, there was something horrible he wanted, I
could feel it. God, his pain was so obvious...
"What is it?" God damned fucking bastard! Still
fucking stoic at a time like this? Show some worry, idiot!!
Trembling, he walked forward, almost stumbling. He knelt
down at the edge of the bed, head bowed. The hand with the knife in it raised a bit. "I... sir, I..."
"No formalities, what is it...?" My heartbeat
was rushing. Ohmigodwhat'shappening?!
Suddenly he whipped his head up, determination burning in
his eyes as he stared at me, tight-lipped. "P-please... I want only one
thing... ca-may..." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he
spoke again, his voice just barely reached me. "Let me kiss you...?
Please... just... one last wish..."
I was staring, heart completely stopped while nausea rose
up in me. Oh mother-fucker, what the bloody hell had I let go on...? No... Oh
God... why didn't I... earlier...? My thoughts faded
into blurs of horrified emotions and as he rose to his knees and I moved my
face closer to his. I felt the tears - the first I had ever cried - trailing
down my cheek. He was so nervous as he leaned in,
capturing my lips so faintly, so quickly.
As the tears flowed, I found some courage that had eluded
me for so long. I wrapped my arms tightly about him as he began to pull back
and kissed him harder, tears flowing faster. The knife in his hand had its edge
pressing slightly into my thigh, but I ignored it. I just couldn't let him...
leave...
I moved back briefly. As I stared at his slightly
confused gaze, I felt my masks falling about me and knew my pain was written on
my face. I touched his cheeks, stained with a few tears of his own.
"Don't..." I whispered. "Dear God, don't!! I..."
I could not find the words. Even now I doubt I would find
them. What words can actually tell someone to stop? It's not
the words... not at all. It's the emotion - it's the feeling the other recieves.
It's the love; it's the caring, not the words.
He stared at me longer and I saw his facial muscles
tighten as his eyes filled with tears. He looked away, down at the knife
clutched in hand.
A cry. A small, hurt, hoarse,
rough cry broke through the air - his hurt in sound. He dropped the weapon and curled
up, body shaking with thick, mournful sobs.
Finally the courage was touching me... finally... and not
too late.... Not too late.
I slid off the bed, kneeling beside him and wrapping my
arms about him and laid my cheek on the back of his shoulder. My eyes closed
and face amazingly calm, a few tears continued their journey along my cheeks.
Without knowing why, my lips parted and in a hoarse, broken tone I managed to
sing softly:
"Hush-a-by, don't you cry, go to sleep my little
baby, when you wake, you shall have all the pretty little horses... blacks and
bays, dapples and greys, all the pretty little
horses... hush-a-by, don't you cry, go to sleep my little baby..."
Over and over... the childhood song made its way past my
lips and repeated itself many times over as I knelt there with him, rocking him
gently and building up courage in myself to help him. It wasn't over, nothing
was over that quickly, and I knew... I knew I had to do something... I just
couldn't let him vanish from the story so early on...
"Stay with me..." I murmured softly once his
sobs had quieted. He moved into my arms, then, hugging me close as we continued
to rock. I began to hum the song, the words slipping away...
I'm sorry I didn't try to stop you earlier... what if you
hadn't come to me tonight for your wish? Would there have been reports of your
dead body? It chills me to think so. Don't keep to yourself. Please... please
just talk to me... let me... help... in any way I can...
I looked up at the ceiling, staring at the blank white
expanse. I think I might love you... I thought, realizing the feeling beneath
all the horror and pain, I really think I might...
I'm not letting you go.
I placed a gentle kiss to the side of his forehead.
Please, don't let me ever let you go.
~~~Owari~~~
Author's Notes: I tortured characters again. -_- Gomen nasai, minna, but it's what I really... "enjoy" writing. And yeah, I can be a sadist. I'm more maso, but ya never know ::shrugs::
((THE)) Karasu: ::smirks:: finally you're writing some good material
-_- geez, you're such a dark-loving muse.... ::glomps:: that's why I love you~!!! XD
((the)) Karasu: O____o;; Woman, get off me!!! ::blasts Kara with bomb::
o_____O;; ::with singed hair:: Um....... ;;U_U
Onto more relevant/serious notes ;;-_-
1) I don't know why, but "All the Pretty Little Horses" always gets me as vaguely morbid... incredibly angsty... I remember playing it on the piano once and crying ((I guess it was after a friend's death ::shrugs:: )), and I've used the song in a rather depressing part of "Misplaced Childhood" - my GW fic focusing on the young OZ members.
2) If you couldn't tell ((and I don't know if you could or not)), this was taking place pre-game. Later first or early second year that Cloud went to Shinra to join SOLDIER. Now if you think Sephiroth was OOC, please keep in mind that he hardly did much speaking aloud - most of the words are his own thoughts. I dun know about you, but I think way differently than I act or speak - I figure this can apply to other characters.
3) To answer a possibly curiousity question: yeah, this is vaguely related to some real life events. However, know me a bit better and you'll be certain that I have never managed anyone to stop their SI. Nor has anyone ever stopped me... permenantly... Anyhow, it was just a mixture of thoughts. Sometimes it really helps to get into the other person's head, as I did here. ::makes note to keep this in mind later:: -__- I can be so fucking ignorant at times... ;;^^V
4) wha? There is no number four!! >.<
Feedback is always welcome. ;;^^ I don't welcome flames, but you're still free to yell at me ::sweatdrops:: I have gotten some vaguely angry emails for torturing characters. ::laughs lightly:: Tata, it's late and I'm tired.....