Long Way Down
By Clarity Scifiroots
Teen
Content: shonen-ai, implication of m/m sex but doesn't even hit lime ;;^^, some swearing, faint angst, OOC on Serge's part I think...
Pairing: Nikki & Serge (( ::sweatdrops:: I dunno... I love Nikki and want him in a yaoi pairing but with who the hell?!))
Song: "Long Way Down" by Goo Goo Dolls on their CD A Boy Named Goo
Regular Disclaimers apply
Aug 30 '01
---
//Oh, here you are
There's nothing left to say\\
There was no words to express his feelings. There was
nothing he could do to gain the love he so deeply craved from his...
companion...friend...
[You musn't have
any idea of what I feel...] he thought sadly, turning his head to the side
as the wind caught his hair and brought locks of dyed red over his face.
"Come on, we're going to be staying in Termina
tonight."
Silence.
"Nikki, c'mon, move it." A slender hand
encircled his upper arm and yanked him after the group who had already headed towards the exit
of
"It's... nothing..."
Mikki frowned, eyes sparkling with concern. Nikki avoided
her gaze, pretending not to see.
//You're not supposed to be
that way\\
"We'll rest up and organize a few things... then
we'll be all set to head on. Anyone who doesn't want to make this last
confrontation should leave now..." Glenn's eyes were hard and burned with
a determined light.
The group of dimension travelers were all gathered in the
back room of the bar of Termina and went over the basic set up for what was
happening. With Glenn's last statement, everyone was eyeing one another, both
openingly and subtly.
"Ve should have time to see anyvun ve'd like to. Let
us take care of matters before ve fight."
"Fine then, let's give two days and meet the third
day on
However, there were four people remaing. Mikki stopped at
the doorway when she noted that Nikki wasn't with her. She glanced back, a bit
surprised to find the red-haired beauty standing still near the edge of the
room, staring blankly at a space of wall. Kid had crossed her arms and was tapping
her foot, tilting her head as she studied the suddenly quiet bard. Serge was
leaning silently against a wall at the back.
[You've grown so
silent and withdrawn... Why? That's not you, that's not you at all...! Nikki...
what's the matter?]
//Did they push you out?
Did they throw you away?\\
There were two full days open... shouldn't that be enough
time for... [For what?]
Even he couldn't answer; so he stood, stone solid and
stared at the wall where the person who was often the center of his thoughts
was leaning.
"Oi, Nikki, per'aps you oughtta go check in with the
Mikki 'ere. She's gotta be pissed you've been gone this long as is."
He snapped out of his thoughts and focused directly on
Kid. He picked up on something, there, when he met her eyes. He wasn't sure how
or why, but he knew for a fact that he was being told to get his ass out of
there for her for some time with...
"Sounds like a good idea, I'll go with you!"
Mikki was looking brighter again.
With a sinking feeling, Nikki nodded numbly and headed
towards the door, Kid's eyes gazing at him with a dead weight. Mikki had
vanished into the small hall already and he paused in the doorway and
purposefully ignored Kid's narrowing glare when he spent a few brief moments to
trace the outline of Serge's frame.
"Go on," Kid murmured softly.
At her words, Serge glanced up and over at Nikki, a bit
of curiousity showing on his face. Quickly the redhead turned and shut the door
loudly behind him.
"There you are, jeez, you really are acting
weird." Mikki looped her arm through his. "C'mon, let's go have some
fun after we check in with the band here, okay?"
Nikki withdrew his arm. "No... Listen, Mikki, I'm...
I'm sorry..." He sighed. "I'm going out alone for a bit. I'll see you
later..." Without waiting for her response, he exited the bar and began
running down the streets, passing merchants who had reopened their shops. His
booted feet led him to a place he had never though he'd visit again, now it was
the only thing that might block out the emptiness inside him.
It was a sleezy hotel full of unidentified oders and low
groans of pleasure. The entrance led straight into the dimly lit bar where
music sounded loudly and controled the writhring of bodies moving together.
There was a closed office door beside the stairs across the one room from the
entrance. Nikki moved across the floor, ignoring the leers and passes made at
him and the carresses that followed him. He rapted on the office door.
Eyes appeared through a slot that opened and then the
space was gone and the door was opened. Nikki entered the slightly brighter
room and faced the man who was looking him over, a slight smirk on his face.
"Thought you weren't comin' back?"
"Changed my mind. Set me up."
The man raised an eyebrow. "Requests?"
He was about to say no, but then changed his mind.
"Dominate; bondage."
Another curious expression. "Never thought you
the-"
"Just shut up and get moving!" Nikki snapped.
He turned away, not wanting to meet anyone's eyes anymore. His heart was racing
but somehow he was controling his breathing. Bowing his head, he repeated,
"Get moving..."
A second door in the room opened and the man disappeared.
Nikki sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He was numb, too numb... Now he
was beginning to wonder if anything could fill the void that had fully cracked
open in the pit of his being.
//Touch me now and I don't
care
When you take me, I'm not
there
Almost human, but I'll never
be the same\\
A key flew through the air and he caught it, glancing up.
"Up the stairs, four down on the right." Nikki nodded and left the
office and headed up to the second floor where the music was only a vibration
of the floorboards. He strode down the hall and opened up the room he was to be
in.
As he shut the door the key fell from his hand and he
moved steadily - too steadily - to the dark bed and sat down. The walls were a
deep maroon color, the carpet a brick red. The few pieces of furnature were
black, and lining the walls were dark-wood racks holding various pieces of
pleasure torture. Something inside him was laughing bitterly, but it seemed as
if it were someone else - outside his body - and not his own voice.
Not long after his arrival, a new key turned the lock and
a lithe black robe-covered form entered the room and shut the door with a soft
thud behind him. Nikki stayed silent, dully gazing at the young man who slowly
walked to one of the walls and retrieved two items. There was nothing in him,
he didn't care.
The minutes dragged by, he didn't fell his sparce
clothing being stripped away and didn't feel the cool metal of handcuffs slide
over his wrists and lock his arms behind his back. Vicious lips pressed against
his, but there was nothing; nothing at all. The clearest moment of any of it
was when skilled hands spread his legs as he lay pressed on his stomach; as his
unknown partner penetrated more than just his body.
[This isn't what
you wanted. You know what - who -
you want...]
And his mind suddenly left him and brought up an image
that filled part of the emptiness within him. But that filling was only a
painful ache.
"I'm sorry... Ser-" his trembling, quiet voice
cut off even before he said the name. He shut down, not sure he wanted to care anymore.
//Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on
my own\\
A few hours after he had left money for the prostitute,
Nikki found himself wandering out of Termina with a bottle of some strong
liquor that he picked up from who-knows-where. His senses were gone, dead, but
whatever the liquid was did add a bit of a buzz that gave a sense of feeling.
He stumbled over a tree root and hit the ground on his chest. Some of the
liquid sloshed out from the bottle. Muttering curses, he staggered up and
started on his way again.
Like earlier, his feet led him to a place he hadn't
thought he'd ever need to return to. With the dying daylight,
"Gawd..." he moaned, falling full on his front
side. His cheek and ear rested in water and his hair floated on the surface
like bright blood. He curled up unconsciously and gave into small, near-silent
cries that ached his insides.
//Long way down
I don't want to live in here
alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on
my own\\
A shaft of light penetrating the dark forest the next
morning gently revealed the pale face of the top singer of the mainland. Blue
eyes slowly cracked opened and then Nikki pushed himself up, blinking and
trying to clear the dizziness from his head as he looked around. Parts of his
hair was wet and stuck stubbornly to his cheek and dripped water into his eye,
making things worse.
Cursing silently, he pushed himself to a stand and
squeezed out his wet hair. Dully he noted a slight surprise to not have been
attacked by any monsters. He knew he shouldn't press his luck any farther... He
left, wandering aimlessly for a few hours before giving in and returning to
Termina.
Walking down the streets alone, he couldn't find any of
his companions anywhere. The Magical Dreamers' ship that had been in port was
gone now and he was left completely alone. He retraced his steps, stopping in
every place he could find and looked about for anyone - anyone at all. No one
knew where any of the people he described had gone, however. Sure, they
mentioned seeing a person so high with this color hair and an accent but...
By midday he knew it was useless and dropped in at the
bar. Sitting down, he rubbed his temples, last night's beverage causing a fuzzy
feeling around his head. He still ordered another hard liquor - a full bottle -
and left as soon as he paid for it. Once again he had a bottle in hand as he
left Termina. He had to find someone, he recognized the pain of loneliness and
even though there was someone he particularly wanted to see, he would settle
for anyone in the group. [Damnit Mikki,
where did you go?]
He finally found some of his group. In Arni.
//I never put you down
I never pushed you away\\
They were sitting on the pier, chatting and smiling and
laughing now and then. Nikki stood on the last piece of land and just watched
them. Kid was close to Serge, who was sitting at the end, and was teasing Glenn
about something while Leena looked on, smiling broadly. [I reached for you... I continue to reach and reach but I never grab
anything...]
He stared at Kid, watching as she turned back to tell
Serge something. [What's your secret to
reach him, Kid? How have you managed...?]
Even though he was grabbing desperately at the chance to
affect the blue-haired teenager, he couldn't quite find the ledge to pull
himself up on, and so he kept slipping, falling further and further behind. Now
he was left, standing there on his own, watching a scene he only wanted to be
part of, but just couldn't be...
//You're not supposed to be
that way
And anything you want
There's nothing I could say\\
[You're only
falling behind because you're not normal. Heard those whispers that floated
around you? Yeah, remember them, remember their words.]
Nikki's eyes had focused on Serge again as he finished
off the bottle in his hand. When it was empty, his arm hung limply at his side.
[Anything you ask
for, I'll strive to get it. I will, oh gods I would, if only... if...]
Suddenly he noticed that their talk had stopped. The four
had turned back to look at him, but his eyes were still on Serge, which meant
he was suddenly caught in his gaze. [Say
it.. say it!! Now, before it's too late! Say
it!]
But he couldn't speak. There was nothing that he was
required to say.
"Come join us, Nikki!" Leena called with a
smile.
//Is there anything to feel?
Is it pain that makes you
real?\\
Serge had broken away from the others, he was exhausted
from the talk that surrounded him, even though he participated little in what
was said. After the group on the pier, they'd split up again and Nikki
disappeared without a word. Kid had stuck close. Finally Serge told her
politely that he needed some time alone. She withdrew with a small smile and
headed off on her own.
Now he was dodging the Beach Bums near
"Oh, hi."
Serge was baffled when he saw Nikki's body tense.
"Serge..." Was there wariness there?
There was something off, he'd noted it earlier but didn't
know how to broach the subject. Seeing Nikki earlier had sent an alarm off in
him when he saw the drunken look to him and the day-old makeup. His hair didn't
even seem to be the bright red it had been, now more of a drab, stained color.
[What are you
hiding from m- us?] His mind was quick to correct himself, but he felt his
heart stop momentarily in fear.
//Cut me off before it kills
me\\
"There's something I need to say..." Nikki
found his voice too low so he cleared his throat and struggled on.
"Listen... Serge, I know I... This will just sound so fucked-up
but..." He shook his head, trying to clear his mind of the double
reactions from his earlier drinks. "I haven't told anyone," he
laughed, "and maybe I shouldn't tell even you..."
He sighed and focused on the sea crashing below. Grimly
he made a note that if things turned too bad he could just slide off and fall
to the rocks below. It was almost as if the other had read his thoughts.
"Nikki...!" Two steps closer.
"Wait. Stay there." Nikki gathered himself
together again. "I've been alone... always... and things were... okay...
The band is great... was great... whatever you prefer... And then this whole
thing came up... made things interesting... Something else, though... I... I've
changed... changed a lot..."
He felt the trembling take his body. It was so cold, but
he didn't know anymore if it was from the wind around them or the chill in his
body. [This isn't right, let's just leave
it... stop speaking... You're ruining it! Shut up! Shut up!]
Bitterly he argued back with himself, [First - "say it, say it!" and now
you're "shut up, shut up!" Which is it? What do you want?]
//Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on
my own
Long way down
I don't want to live in here
alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on
my own\\
"You can tell me." Serge hesitated, feeling
that this was something big. "I... won't hold anything against
you..." He managed his lips into a slight smile, "We're
friends."
Now frozen, Nikki felt his lips move and voice move on,
but it was now mechanical and only partially controled by his own train of
thought.
"I was pretty much a loner, only the band for
company and thoughts of fans for some enjoyment. Wasn't much at all... I never
had much for friends, then, and even within that group I never was interested
in anyone. I didn't care to comitt myself to someone. I know Mikki might be
interested, but I won't be good to her."
"...Why?"
"I don't love her." Silence passed for a while.
"You care for someone?"
Carefully Nikki replied, "Yes." His voice
dropped again, and he quietly finished his answer, "It's you; I love you,
Serge."
The waves crashed below.
//I never put you down
I never pushed you away\\
Serge just stood there, too stunned to react in anyway
but stare blindly at Nikki's back. The news was... surprising to say the least.
But why? Why would anyone love him like that? Leena, yes, the Leena he knew
must but... Somehow that felt different.
[Why? Why does it
feel different?] He had to find out, there was urgency in that voice that
he couldn't understand but needed to accept.
"I- I'm sorry..." Nikki gasped out softly.
Serge's eyes widened as he saw the bard's shoulders begin to shake with
repreased sadness.
[It's different
because... because...]
What was it? He couldn't find it... that last detail. He
had to know... had to know now before
it was too late. There was something different about this case, an additional
feeling and something very important.
[It's because...!]
and suddenly he knew why.
//Take another piece of me
Give my mind a new disease
And the black and white world
never fades to grey\\
"...because I feel something too!"
Confused by the half-sentence, Nikki turned, eyebrows
furrowing as he stared up at Serge. "What?"
Nervous and excited all at once, the typically stoic
Serge moved a few more steps closer, a brightened look crossing his features.
"It's what's different... Your... love, it's different than Leena's
because... I feel something in return."
Too overwhlemed, Nikki shook his head and looked away.
"I... you don't mean that, you couldn't..."
"Why not?" Serge sat down, crosslegged, and
watched Nikki as the redhead turned his head profile to him.
"It works too well... why would I deserve such a
completness?"
There was something in the way the light was decorating
the bard's face that made Serge calm and gaze at him with an easy silence. When
he did speak again, he said, "I know what I'm saying. I know me, even if I
won't let anyone else in."
Hesitantly the redhead glanced at him. "What do you
feel?" he murmured.
//Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on
my own
Long way down
I don't want to live in here
alone
Long way down
I don't think I'll make it on
my own\\
"When we first met you trusted me and the others
right away... For the first time I felt comfortable around a stranger..."
He turned his gaze out to sea as he continued, speaking his feelings aloud for
one of the first times. "You were with me a long time, I guess as things
passed on I realized more and more about you... There was always something
hidden, forbidden, behind the slight smile you always wear. I felt you watching
me, sometimes, and I listened to things you said, and what other people were
saying about you." He chuckled briefly. "I think there was a time I
subconsciously blocked everyone out but you and Kid...
"I finally realized, then, that perhaps there was
something more to this friendship. I didn't think it would be anything else,
convinced myself it wasn't. There were enough complications, I didn't need to
mess anything else up." He gazed at Nikki again. "You knocked off the
sheild I had up... but I don't mind."
"What do we do now...?"
Serge sratched his head, laughing a bit. "Eh, I
hoped you'd know."
"Oh sure, set the responsibility on me!"
"Of course." Serge offered a close-lipped
smile. "I'll set up the first plan - let's get some rest... we can figure
it out later."
"...Yes... I need some time to think..." Nikki
stood, finally calmed. He offered a hand to help up Serge. Before the
blue-haired boy turned away, the redhead clutched his hand a bit tighter. With
a solom expression, he said, "Please, Serge, think over what you want... don't make me influence
you..."
//On my own
On my own\\
Serge replied plainly, "I feel as you do, I can't
act alone anymore..."
Nikki's remaining pained look reduced and he smiled a bit
bittersweetly as he nodded and let go of Serge's hand.
When they reentered Arni, they exchanged on last shared
glance before parting to find someplace to think. Nikki was relieved things
were out in the open, though, and the void inside was slowly being filled.
[Thank you.]
~~~
Owari ~~~
終わり
Author's Notes: O_o;; I wrote
this 45 minutes after I was supposed to be in bed... joy. -__-;; Well, this was
my first Chrono Cross fic ((shonen-ai or otherwise))... sooooo did it suck ass
or work decently? ::sweatdrop:: I've been on a Goo Goo Doll craze, which will
explain my use of song ;)