By: Lionna Mouri (Eien no Starlight) [lionna@execpc.com]
Rating: PG
Warnings: A bit… angst-y… semi-dark. It’s a rather ‘depressing’ POV for Sage
October 18, 2000 / November 17, 2000
Everything had always been a legend to me. A myth that was nothing more than to promote those of the past and
retell their prosperous lives in the future. Just a
story that was supposed to bring hope. A tale about
over-glamorized martyrs.
Turns out it wasn’t just some myth or fake legend. It was
always true.
My companions label me as being quiet, and usually
serious and calm when I do speak. I doubt they realize all that swirls in my
mind. I don’t think any of them can understand at all. We really don’t know one
another very well; we’re not the family we’d like to think we are. Each of us
is different, and though we can fit together nicely as friends, we don’t come
close enough for the bond of brother-hood.
Then again, perhaps it is me that is misreading all of
this. Often times I’m the odd-one-out and staying off to the side. I’ve always
heard that the light is supposed to gather people, somehow that doesn’t work so
well for me. I don’t gather people close to myself, even though I hold the
Armor of Halo. I am not full of sagacity as my virtue states. Luckily I do not
hold Rowen’s virtue of “Life” for I would never live
up to that expectation.
I left the house this morning, wanting to be alone for
some time – possibly to meditate. I walked down forest paths until I was buried
in the greens and browns of nature. I embraced the smells with open arms and
gratefully accepted the sounds of mother earth and her creations other than
humans.
Stepping softly on the padded ground, I came across a
tiny trickle of a stream where a few animals were drinking. I sat off to the
side to watch, silently gazing at the elegant, simple movements, and wondering
how I might become like that.
Some time later, I moved on and continued to immerse
myself in the world away from humanity. I lost myself in the colors that blurred
as I began racing through the undergrowth for reasons unknown even to myself. I
just ran, as if past guilt and horrors would melt away in the blur that was
going out before me. I kept thinking over and over how the battles I had fought
with the others as a Ronin Warrior was over now.
There should not be anything else for us to fight – we would be free to be
‘normal’. It was supposed to be a freedom, to me it
seemed only a cage.
I stumbled many times but kept going, refusing to stop.
Somewhere along the line tears began to leak out, spraying off my cheeks and
into my hair. Blinded with exhaustion, tears, and scrambled emotions, I tripped
over a hill that rose up before me and fell to the ground. I didn’t bother
getting up; I just lay there crying softly and tearing at the soil with my
fingers.
A light drizzle of rain began, which slowly turned into a
downpour, soaking my clothes to my skin. Soon I could not tell what was rain and what were tears on my face. All I knew was that
I was wet and cold… and oh-so-confused. My eyes closed tightly while my body
shook – from tears or cold? I wouldn’t know. My blond hair plastered against my
face, mixing with mud and grass that had become trapped in the strands.
I could hear the rain hitting against the ground, in the
puddles, and on the leaves of plants… Each one created each own little
explosion, bursting apart and dying a quick death. I wondered if that was what
I actually wanted. Was it death I was reaching for? I didn’t know anymore. I
was so confused and helpless to everything – I had no idea what to do.
Who is to know how long I lay there? I cannot recall if I
fell asleep, fainted, or was conscious the whole time. What I remember next is
wishing a voice to call my name, begging me to get up and go inside from the
cold and rain. I smiled to myself a bit, loving how my imagination could give
me the hope that I was loved fully for all that I was and am – that someone
cared enough for me to try and save my life.
After a time it became apparent that I was not dreaming.
My vision blurred, I cracked my eyes open to take in the muddy mess of hair and
grass before me. I felt the drops of rain fall onto the side of my face,
spiraling into my ear and across my neck. My vision shook and ever so slowly my
numb body realized that someone’s hands were jerking me to my senses.
“Sage…? Sage! Hey, buddy… come
on, now. Get up! Sage?”
The voice turned frantic and I found that a bit funny. I
smirked, prepared to close my eyes again. Someone so worried? But why…? I am the odd one, the one not fitting.
“Please! Sage!”
I could not turn away from that voice. My fuzzy senses
could not even detect who it was. I was curious. Slowly I forced my eyes open
some more, yet I could still only see the ground and my hair before me. I hated
the fact that I had to move.
With my whole body protesting, I made my muscles obey and
raise myself off the ground just enough to turn over onto my back. Worried eyes
fell on me, a wet lock of blue hair sticking to the face.
Rowen.
“Sage…?” He sounded hesitant.
I worked on keeping my vision focused. That was rather
hard considering the still-pouring rain that now hit me face-on. ‘Rowen,’ my
mind called. My lips refused to form the letters and my vocal cords refused to
work. It somehow didn’t matter to me at all… I didn’t know why. I felt
completely neutral as I lay there. He seemed to think I was hurt – why would
he? – so I provided a small smile to him.
After doing so, I closed my eyes and tilted my head up a
bit with the smile still in place. The rain… so wet and
relieving. Was I crying anymore? I wondered if he had noticed…
“Sage, we need to go back.” My lips must have formed the
question ‘why’, for he answered, “You need to get warmed up. You’re soaked to
the bone and have been out here for nearly five hours! What were you thinking?”
His frustration was starting to show, voice becoming a bit louder near the end.
‘Sleep… so
peaceful…’
‘No feelings…’
‘No guilt…’
‘… no… emotions…’
‘………no……love………’
The voice was so foggy. “…-age?!…
Wait! Sa--….”
There was nothing.
*****
***** *****
Author’s notes: Is this the end? I’m not even sure. I may try and continue on with it but I want to make it fit. Is he dead? Alive? What’s Rowen doing there? What time is it? ::sweatdrop:: Actually, they’re all questions I’m asking myself – part of the reason why I think I need a continuation. I know this is short, but I’ve got such a huge case of writer’s block that it makes me sick (quite literally). So, when I do have some brief ideas I’m typing ‘em up.