Coming Home

Clarity Scifiroots

Summary: After promising to wait for Conrad, Johnny wonders who is waiting for him.
Spoilers: The Siege and general spoilers up to that episode

Disclaimers: Regular disclaimers apply.

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When Conrad asked what he could look forward to in the future, what would make it worth it to live and go to jail, I told him someone would be waiting for him. People cannot live without other people; by nature we require company to thrive, to feel, to live. He asked me who would be waiting for him. I promised I would. I intend to keep that promise.

After a day full of nightmarish visions of how the hostage situation could have been, it’s an incredible relief to be sitting in a car and watching the scenery go by. The silence is comfortable, not heavy, and now it’s voluntary. The only gun in sight is secure at Roscoe’s hip and there’s nothing sneaking into my brain that tells me that a weapon will be needed anytime soon.

Despite all of this, I feel restless.

I walked out of the bank today with a man who had felt abandoned by all of whom and what had been important in his life. He wanted to break free to find some paradise and peace that was non-existent. What he had really wanted was another person; I dedicated myself to becoming his company.

Today I escaped death, again, and managed to save the others who had been placed in danger. Sarah and I, perhaps we shared something we had once lost while we huddled together in that dim building, but the past is gone. I need to realize and accept this. It’s been months now since I’ve woken up and I’ve had the time to get used to the fact that what would have been my family is no longer mine. Six years went by without my notice and that sets me apart from all whom I used to know. She’s not mine. I need to accept that and I need to make her realize that she does not have to make it up to me. She moved on, that’s what she was supposed to do.

But all of this begs the question: who is waiting for me? Sarah waited for me when I was in the coma, but she had given up hope of me ever returning normal. I sometimes wonder why she and Gene kept me on life support when I didn’t wake up right away. If they stopped waiting for me in the past, who will be waiting for me at the end of this journey? I’m still struggling to find my place, but I see no real “light at the end of the tunnel” sort of motivation to keep me moving. I fear that I’ll fall behind and lose myself, and in the process lose the people who are in my life now.

Everyone at the bank had someone to go home to except Conrad and I. Now even Conrad has the promise of someone ahead. What do I have?

“Ah, John…” Roscoe prompts.

I start from my thoughts, rather surprised that the squad car has stopped and that I’m looking out at my garden. I manage a smile for the deputy. “Thanks, man,” I say as I step out. He waves it off and backs out of the drive. I watch him go for a few moments, still detached in my musings.

“John?”

I turn quickly towards the voice. I hadn’t expected anyone here. I see Bruce standing further along the drive, he must have been sitting on the front steps. He’s got his hands stuffed in his pockets, looking a little nervous and worried. I realize he must have heard the news in some way or another. Who knows, maybe even Dana called to let him know.

“Bruce? I didn’t… Well, I didn’t quite expect any of this, today.”

He rolls his eyes tolerantly. “Caught the news in the break room,” he admits quietly. He’s avoiding meeting my eyes and tracing the toe of his shoe in the gravel.

I feel so tired. I really just want to get some sleep and escape from the world that seems full of far more questions than answers. “Well, I’m okay,” I say. “It was a long day, but things worked out. Even Conrad will be all right.”

He glances my way and looks at me with a calculating expression on his face. I’m not sure what he’s trying to figure out. Is there more he wants to know about? There’s really nothing else to tell.

“Why are you here?” I ask.

He blinks with apparent surprise, as if that is the stupidest question I could have asked. “Why do you think?” he says, finally withdrawing his hands from his pockets as he spreads his arms wide. “Man, I was worried about you!”

I find myself wrapped tightly in his embrace. His breath tickles against the skin of my neck.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” he tells me.

I smile slowly and lean my cheek against his hair. His embrace is warm and comforting. It feels like home.

~ The End ~

September 27, 2004